the life of lisa

30 days into 1

2011-04-26T22:49:00.000-07:00

Alright Kimberly, I know I haven't been on top of this blog like I said I would be. You did the 30 days in pictures, but I am too impatient, so I am going to do it all right now for your viewing pleasure :-)

30 Day Challenge:
Day 01 - A picture of yourself with fifteen facts.

1. I love Dr. Pepper (obvi)
2. I have 2 tattoos
3. I was recently in Europe
4. I will return to Europe soon(ish)
5. I have yet to start my wingback chair reupholstery project, but I am really excited about it
6. I share a birthday with Madonna
7. I am exactly 3 years and 1 day older than my brother
8. I was born at 2:42am
9. I finally upgraded from a twin sized bed to a queen after 24 years
10. I own almost as many shoes as pairs of underwear
11. I live a block away from the coolest park in San Franciso
12. If I could marry any celebrity it would be Will Smith
13. My favorite city that I have ever lived is Granada, Spain
14. I am majoring in Spanish (wasn't a fact until recently, but I am stoked about the progress)
15. I love soft things, including the fleece throw Kim got me that I cuddle with sometimes :-)

Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been close with for the longest.

It must be 11 years at least now!

Day 03 - A picture of your favorite animal.

Giraffes are so awkward. Just like me!

Day 04 - A picture of your night.

I spent the night cooking chicken and mashed potatoes and then gave the kitchen a nice little scrub down.

Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory.

F pump it up, pump it up H A keep it going, keep it going, we are, what else, what else, the BEST! Region 6!

Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day.

The one in the pink dress is Christine. She is a customer of mine and she is the nicest most amazing woman I have met in SF. She has a line of designer handbags (christinebhandbags.com) and 2 websites (shoesforwomen.com and womenshandbag.com) that she runs, but she is always in the best of moods. I would love to see what a day in her life would be like!

Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item.

Sad but true...

Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh.

Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.

Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most messed up things with.

When I was 3, she convinced me that we should call the cops and tell them our mom died...that didn't end well.

Day 11 - A picture of something you hate.

Discrimination (I adore ducks though)

Day 12 - A picture of something you love.

Traveling.

Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist.

Mutemath. So dreamy ;-)

Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.

Look at that cute little face. I can't wait to see what she becomes.

Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.

I want to get to all 50 states (and all 7 continents)

Day 16 - A picture of someone who you look up to.

That's my bro-in-law. Good man.

Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently.

Just living in San Francisco is a challenge, trying to finish school and have a social life is hard. I have learned a lot about myself in the past 2 years though.

Day 18 - A picture of where you hope to be in the future.

Teaching ESL, hopefully in South America

Day 19 - A picture of you when you were little.

Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel.

There's no way I could choose just one place.

Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget.

It's a bit complicated, but boy there are some decisions that I would like to forget...

Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at.

I always wanted to be a ballerina

Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book.

Don't judge

Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change.

Truly heartbreaking. I wish I could help all the children of the world.

Day 25 - A picture of your day.

I had a meeting today.

Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you.

The fact that I can explore and experience anything that my heart desires, is truly amazing to me.

Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member.

Hermanos

Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of.

Ok, so since I was about 3 and I watched Beetlejuice and had a horrible nightmare about him stealing my shoes, I have been afraid of closets at night time, the door has to be shut or I will have all kinds of nightmares and won't be able to go to the bathroom until sunrise.

Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile.

That kid...does it every time!

Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss.

Sick of being sick

2011-03-19T23:40:00.000-07:00

I have spent a lot of time in bed this week, more than I would like to admit. Luckily I have the excuse of being sick, but I think had I had that time for any other reason, I might have spent it the same way...at least for the first 2 days. I started feeling better yesterday, so I decided it would be a good idea to hang out with some friends and see McLovin's band perform in North Beach. (Chris Mintz-Plasse is the drummer in The Young Rapscallions, he also played in Super Bad and Role Models and his brother went to Fresno State, so we have mutual friends) Well, I can't talk now. I lost my voice and I sound ridiculous. Maybe not such a good idea, especially since I am leaving in about 36 hours for London!! I hope I have my voice back by the time I get there so I don't have to explain it to anyone. People tend to look at me as though I am a bag of germs once they hear me talk, not the funnest experience.

I finally got my laundry done and now I have a pile of clothes and miscellaneous items that I need to pack into a suitcase. I always worry that I will forget something. It's especially bothersome when I think about the fact that everything is almost twice as expensive in England. I'd rather not have to buy deodorant there when I already have a stick here! I bought a voltage converter yesterday on a whim. I realized that I will need decent looking hair to feel confident in public, so the Chi straightener is coming with :-) I will have internet access nearly the whole time I am away, so I'll do my best to post random tidbits and photos while I am away! But now, I must sleep, because 6:30am comes quickly!

Good night!

Some thoughts

2011-02-28T21:19:00.000-08:00

Tonight at the end of my shift, a woman who is known to be homeless and a little crazy came into the store. She had a lot of things piled up on a wheeled cart and began asking about our food items and if we had any oatmeal left. We didn't. She continued to talk to me and then asked if she could use the bathroom. I told her the bathroom is for customers only. She then informed me that "they all" let her use it. Since I didn't want to start an argument, I went ahead and gave her the key. I didn't want her to use the bathroom because I knew she would be in there for a while and it was close to closing time, but also because of the principle of the matter. It is a customer only bathroom, and we can't let everybody that walks by use it. But, what if she had to go on the street or in the bushes because I didn't let her use it...how nice is too nice, and when should you just let things slide?

Laundry time...

2011-02-27T20:55:00.000-08:00

I have to keep laundry on the brain or I'll forget to go get it before the laundromat closes!

This weekend has been pretty low-key, but eventful in it's own way. A few months ago I bought a ticket to London for a 2 week vacation. (I still can't believe that I was able to do that. I have traveled quite a bit, but not by myself for so long.) But, being in Europe, I had to try to hang out with one of my best friends who happens to live in France, so Phill and I began to try to figure out a way to work that into my trip. At first I was thinking we could meet in Paris like the last time I was abroad. We were going to go with that plan until he suggested that I take the train to Strasbourg where he lives. I was pretty excited about the idea since it was a new place; and after Wikipedia-ing it, it looks to be quite a beautiful and diverse city, so how could I say no? I still wanted at least a day in Paris though, so I then began looking around at flight days and times and really just playing around on Kayak to see where I could go for really cheap. Well, Dublin happened to be pretty inexpensive and I figured I could spend a couple days there and then hop back to London. So, in my head, it was set. London, 3 days-Strasbourg, 3.5 days-Paris1.5, days-Dublin, 2 days-London, 4 days. Quite the whirlwind when you really think about it. Friday I had the day off, so I decided that rather than get out of bed at a decent hour I would knuckle down and finalize my travel plans, including purchasing plane tickets. After looking at many sites and realizing the extra cost of checked baggage on these tiny but cheap flights, I started to realize that I might have to settle on the destinations. So, in the spur of the moment, I decided that rather than going back to Paris just to fly out the next day, I would just stay for a couple extra days. Phill has classes and other responsibilities, so I will stop bugging him on Sunday and have some Parisian adventures until Wednesday, then back to London for another 5 days. I'm pretty happy with this decision, even though it means that I'll only be adding one country to my list, I will be adding another city and some great experiences. Phill and I have traveled together in many different settings and locations, but neither of us has visited where the other lives, it should be interesting. And it will be nice to actually have a sense of my surroundings since he knows the city so well. So, now I'm staring at my printed boarding pass from London to Paris and trying to remember where I have stashed all of my important things like my passport and emergency credit card and thinking about how excited/nervous/in shock I am that I will be on a plane by myself for I'm not sure how long in just 3 short weeks. It's a bit surreal really. My plan is to meet a very attractive European man who will fall madly in love with me so we can get married and travel the world together and eventually make the cutest babies ever when we settle down in some beautiful country surrounded by beaches and parks and dogs running around...haha, or not. But either way, it will be a trip to remember. I can not wait!

And now, my laundry awaits!

What is healthy?

2010-10-26T11:03:00.000-07:00

There are many things in life that I find myself pondering, like who started the rumor that moon is made of cheese? And where do all of those missing socks end up? But one particular type of pondering involves ideas that seem to be understood, but actually have a wide variety of interpretations. Like what is spirituality? What does it mean to be artistic? But the one I have been pondering over the past few days is: What does it mean to be healthy?

I'll start off by saying that I am referring to a physical state of health, although I regularly wonder about mental health as well. People come into Jamba Juice all the time and ask me what our healthiest drink is. Now, I surely can tell you what the least healthy drink is (Peanut Butter Moo'd if your wondering. Highest amount of calories, fat and sugars). But we have such a wide variety of drinks, it's hard to really answer without knowing what their idea of healthy is. Working in the Marina is quite the experience, because trying to get this information out of the typical customer is, for some reason, insulting. Apparently I should know exactly what they're thinking. Are you looking for the least amount of calories, the highest amount of protein or antioxidants, the most amount of fruit, the least amount of sugar? Do you see where I'm going here? So, after having countless amounts of run ins of this nature, I began to ponder what I believe to be healthy and how can I become more healthy?

Most people that know me know that I love Dr. Pepper and candy. I like to bake brownies and eat the batter and I eat children's cereal for breakfast. I also have low blood sugar, which could be a sign of diabetes. So as I eat my way through my 20s, but remain thin, I have a hard time focusing on maintaining my body for the years to come. But as I become more aware of healthy practices and the benefits of eating a well balanced diet, I realize that there is a reason that I am tired a lot and don't always have much energy. My diet sucks! So 2 days ago I hit google up with some searches on healthy eating. Boy oh boy did I get a ton of results! So now, I am left to sort through and decide what kind of healthy eating I want to partake in. Should I eat a protein rich diet to gain more muscle and become more lean? Should I become a vegetarian and skip the red meat to keep my heart healthy? Should I focus on carbs so I can become a long distance runner? So many questions and so many options. So, I am left with finding my motivation for eating healthy in the first place: be more active, stop consuming so much sugar, and feel better.

I am still in the beginning stages of planning my healthy eating venture, and I plan to supplement with my diet with pilates and cardio to stay fit! Some things that I have learned through my research: No matter what type of diet I choose, I should find a corresponding food pyramid (yes, there is more than one) and stick to it as best I can. There are many vitamins and nutrients that are essential to being any type of healthy, so I need to find a way to incorporate those into my diet. Variety is not only important for sticking to a diet, but also for getting all of those nutrients. Not eating should never be an option, no matter how busy I get. Breakfast really is the most important meal of the day and eating sugary cereal is really just doing a disservice to my body. And drinking sufficient water is very important especially when including an exercise routine in my diet.

Now, I am certainly no expert, and my only training is through my own internet based research, but I am excited to learn more about healthy eating and how I can improve my habits so I can live a healthy life for a long time to come! As for those customers of mine, I wish they would be more specific about what they're looking for!

Here goes nothing...

2010-10-22T11:16:00.000-07:00

I have been spending a lot of time alone lately. Not in the "loner" sense, but in the "getting to know myself" sense. At first I did feel like a loner, and that had a lot to do with my circumstances. I moved to this city while I was dating someone that lived here. Most, if not all, of the people that I saw on a regular basis were people that were friends of his. After that relationship ended, I still had contact with a lot of the same people, and although I love them and enjoy their company, it didn't feel fulfilling enough. I need my own friends with whom I can build a relationship separate from a significant other. So, I started separating myself from that group. Not completely, I still go to concerts and BBQs with them, and of course there is Jake who hardly counts since I knew him first, but he tends to be amongst that group. So, now I don't have many friends around me, so I have been taking this opportunity to really get to know myself better. I have re-connected with some old friends who live far away, and that is a great thing. I still would like to see and hug and hang out with all of those people, but it's not always possible.

I didn't think I could live in this city anymore for a while. It's expensive and it's cold and it's hard to make friends. But I am becoming swayed. I don't know what did it, but I feel like I could stay here for a while. Of course I could change my mind again after the winter! I had big plans to move back to Modesto for the summer then go to Spain for a school year, but now I'm not as convinced. Maybe I will transfer to SF State or CSU East Bay. There are so many options and possibilities, it's a little overwhelming! I guess I'm beginning to realize that I can't always move to make things "better". I need to be able to find fulfillment wherever I am. That doesn't mean that I have to stay somewhere I hate, but I have learned to try instead of giving up.

I finally have a declared major and a hazy, yet promising path to follow. That has helped me find motivation to stick with school even though it's exhausting to work full time and take full time units! I am majoring in Spanish and I want to teach in a middle school. But I also want to become certified to teach ESL. I would love to be able to travel and do that, but I have been volunteering in an ESL class in the Mission District and it has been one of the coolest experiences. There are so many people right here that don't speak English and haven't had the proper education to give them that push and drive to learn. Thursday nights have become one of my favorite times of the week. The students are so much fun to be around and they are really warming up to me. I was talking with my roommate Lindsay last night about how I am happiest when I have students. That's how I know that I want to be a teacher.

That's all for now, maybe next time I'll write about something interesting instead of just my boring life ;-)

Update coming soon...

2010-09-27T23:52:00.000-07:00

I have a lot on my mind, so once I get it a bit more organized, I'll share.

For now I just have to say that I take great joy in having kept some amazing friends over the years. To a lot of people it seems natural, but for me, being on the move all the time, it is really a blessing to know that I can pick up right where I left off with some truly amazing people. I have so much love for you!

I feel a crazy amount of stress and exhaustion right now and I am diving deep into the inner workings of my mind. I don't know how great the timing was with me just starting back in school and all, but it's got to happen sooner or later. I like getting to know myself better, it makes things that much easier.

As soon as i don't have 3 papers, 2 oral presentations and an exam to prepare for, I will share all of my wonderful musings with the invisible readers. Promise :-)

Isa

Green eyes, don't cry...

2010-05-23T14:59:00.001-07:00

learning

2010-03-01T20:13:00.000-08:00

working at a school had helped me learn some things about myself. most importantly of all is that i am very good at drawing pokemon. i get multiple requests every day for some new and weird looking creature. i'm pretty sure these kids could print out these pictures at home, but they really want me to draw them for some reason. i should start charging!

on a more serious note, i am learning some interesting things about my teaching style and disciplinary style. i hate yelling, but i feel like i do it a lot. these kids are sorta nuts. my throat hates me for it though! i'm trying to back away from that and learn more about positive reinforcement, if anyone knows of any good books or articles about this, i would be forever grateful! i'm also learning how to lean on my peers for help and inspiration. my boss is always really helpful when it comes to ideas for good lesson plans or fun activities. i usually don't like to ask for help, but i know that i can't and shouldn't pressure myself into doing everything on my own. this is the first time i've had this type of responsibility, and although i'm loving it, it's challenging all the same! i really love the group of kids i'm working with, but they can be challenging, i think that once we all get into the swing of things, it will get easier. hopefully that is well before summer hits though!

on a related note, i have realized that working 2 highly stressful jobs is not good for one's social life or more importantly, health. i have suffered a lot over the past couple of months. thankfully my hours have been reduced at jamba so i'm working about 45 hours a week total rather than 55+. i'm looking into some exercise routines and the possibility of joining a gym. i also want to do some sort of one week detox/cleanse because i have been punishing my body by eating out a lot and usually not anything very healthy. i think i need to get that out of my system so i can start a healthier lifestyle on a more positive note. any tips or advice in that area would also be helpful.

i had a terrible dream last night that my parents and my brother were killed. i woke up crying and it was in the back of my head all day. i finally decided i should just call them to make sure everything was ok. it is. but, it made me realize that as much as i am tempted to disconnect from them, i know it would be a horrible thing and i would never forgive myself if anything did happen to them and i hadn't even been keeping in contact with them. family is family no matter how strained the relationships have been, i don't want to be selfish and lose that.

i think i am done writing, this seemed pretty boring to me, hopefully i didn't put anybody to sleep!

blah blah blah

2010-02-27T21:54:00.000-08:00

sometimes i wonder why i move so much. but then i realize it's because i want to. i never do it for any specific purpose, although there are usually a bunch of reasons i can list off, but usually i want to move and an opportunity arrives. moving to san francisco was no different. i had thought of moving here for some time, the city life just seemed so appealing. then, what do you know, i had been living with my sister in modesto, and wanted to get out when ryan and i randomly started dating. i say randomly because the way it started was just that. he lived in san francisco, i had wanted to move there already, and i certainly didn't want to be living with my sister in modesto anymore. so i moved. it was hard. it is hard. at first it was hard because i was looking for a permanent place to live while essentially couch surfing. that lasted for 2 1/2 months. there were so many days that i thought i was absolutely crazy. i shed some tears, i got angry and frustrated with people who didn't deserve it. it was also hard because i was in a new city and the people i knew i could count on one hand. not only that, but they were all friends with eachother. that doesn't seem like such a bad thing, but for some reason, it just made everything seem out of whack for me. i guess it didn't help that they were all my boyfriend's friends. i started to feel like i was relying on him too much, i never had anyone else to turn to. i knew it was wearing on him, and it was definitely wearing on me. so many people (mostly my parents) tried to convince me to just move "home". and although parts of that seem appealing, i knew i would feel like a failure. as much as i love the people in the central valley (not all of them, of course), there isn't anything there for me, i don't want to feel like i'm settling. i want to decide how my life is going to go, i don't want to just fall into any sort of routine. so i pushed through. i finally found a place to live, i got a promotion at work, i got rid of my second job, i got a different second job, life started to feel more "normal". but too many times i realize that i'm still not really happy here. it makes me sad to think about it, and even more sad to really admit it. i love ryan. i haven't said that about any other boyfriend, and i truly mean it. but that can't be the only thing that i have. i can't survive on that. even though city life is something i crave, i just don't think this is the city for me. i don't vibe well here. i can get by, but i don't feel like i'm home. i also don't like the weather. i know some people would call me crazy because it's so "temperate" here, but you're reading about the girl who needs a sweater if the temperature drops below 75 degrees. i just don't know where this leaves me. i'm going to stay here for a while. i have some obligations, the time constricting one being the school that i work at. i'm committed until the end of the school year, and i wouldn't dream of putting these kids through anymore changes than they've already had this year. but what then? should i continue to pay an outrageous price to live in a city that i'm not really in love with? should i suck it up and realize that nobody is ever completely happy? or do i move on? *sigh* i suppose only time will tell.

update

2009-03-08T20:26:00.000-07:00

I have realized that most people have no idea where I am or what I'm doing with my life. Rest assured, I'm not too sure either! I am in Mode town again (as Herb likes to call it). I am living with my sister and her family (husband: Justin and daughter: Hayden, she just turned 3). It's definitely an adjustment from living with just one other roommate and having my own room. I share my room with Hayden's toys and clothes right now. It's a tight squeeze! I am working at In-N-Out and Jamba Juice. Both have recently turned into good opportunities. I was beginning to wonder if either would work out and considered getting a different job, but I am pretty happy with them at the moment. Hopefully I will start getting more hours at both so I won't feel like I moved back for nothing. For those of you wondering why I moved back, it was to save money and get a car and figure out what to do school/career wise. So this summer I will be taking classes at MJC and in the fall I have to make a decision to either continue at MJC for another semester or to go to Fresno City for a semester. In the spring I'll be able to transfer to a university. So far Fresno State has a pretty good chance, but knowing me, that could all change! I think I want to teach autistic children, so that means I will probably need to get a Master's at some point. I still haven't done much research to find out what sort of degree I will need, but I have come to terms with the fact that I will have to continue with school for longer than I would really like. But I think it is well worth it if it means I will get to do something that I am passionate about. I know some people probably heard about my opportunity to travel to Spain to be an Au Pair for the rest of the year. Unfortunately, I was unable to obtain the necessary documentation to get a Student Visa for many reasons and I will not be able to go. I have not given up on my dreams to travel, however. I will just have to keep my eyes and ears open for other opportunities. So, for now I am working, soon to be taking classes and will soon be dedicating much time to the well deserved Kimberly for her upcoming wedding. I have felt very anti-social since I have moved back. I think I have lacked motivation to see anyone because of my own lack of a car and because I am still adjusting the idea of being back. That is not to say that I don't want to see anyone, I really do, I guess I just need to get off of my heiney! I hope that was enough of an update, any questions? :0)

Everything's a changin...

2009-01-18T23:19:00.000-08:00

I am moving to Modesto in less than 2 weeks. It doesn't feel real. My existence as I know it is going to completely change...again. I can't say I don't like change, because that would be a lie. I have moved plenty of times and really enjoy getting to know new environments and people. I just think this time it will be a bit weird. Mostly because I am moving back. I did it before when I came back from Spain, and it felt weird. This time I have been away for a year and a half rather than 3 months. Quite a difference. I know that this move is good for me financially, and it will be good to be able to see my family on a more regular basis. I just don't really know where my place is there anymore. I haven't kept up with many people, and I haven't really been a part of the church scene in a while. It will definitely take some getting used to. On a more positive note, I will get to help the lovely Kimberly with her oh so exciting plans! I will also be able to buy a car in the near future, which is kind of the main reason for taking this step. I can't say that I am ecstatic about this upcoming change, but believe me, I am looking forward to some of the excitement that will come with it.

Moving

2009-01-03T12:05:00.001-08:00

Weird.

The American Dream...

2008-11-20T22:15:00.000-08:00

sometimes i giggle to myself when i learn that people are so eager to start "the rest of their life"...you know, the quintessential career and family, the "American dream" if you will. people try to figure out what they want to do and then put pressure on themselves to get their degree in as little time as possible so that they can get started on their "real life" already! now, i have to admit, i was the same way. eager to pick my major and my school and start a career all the while falling hopelessly in love with the man of my dreams so that we could get married and have lots of beautiful children! well, i still want that, to some extent, but i'm not so picky about when it happens. because what i have realized is that getting to that point is part of life. i don't want to rush through a stage in my life and consume myself with thoughts of the future when there is so much that i could be doing in the here and now. there are some things in life that can really only be experienced in my stage of life. i have a sense of freedom greater than most people because i have allowed myself to think outside of that bubble. i have had the opportunity to travel and meet people and do things in the spur of the moment that i might not have allowed myself to do if i had a perfect plan set up. i wouldn't trade any of those experiences for anything! i don't think it is a bad thing to plan ahead, in fact i am notorious for doing it! i just like to allow myself a certain amount of freedom so that i can enjoy life now and so i will appreciate things as they come. i am in no hurry to do any specific thing, i just want to be happy. sure i stress out about my future every once in a while, but ultimately, i know that things will work out, maybe not in the exact way that i anticipated, but what fun would life be if there weren't surprises every now and then?

sometimes i get down on myself for my "position" in life. living paycheck to paycheck and not knowing what to do next. but, i don't think it's so bad. i am still young, and there are a lot of opportunities that i can still take. as long as i don't subscribe to that "rest of my life" ideology, i can find satisfaction in knowing that i can do just about anything and not have to worry about how it will affect my "plans". and let me tell you, that is a good feeling! i do want to start narrowing things down as for what to "do with my life", but i think i still have much to experience before i narrow it down to one thing. as long as i am open to all possibilities, i think everything will go just fine.

Why I love Wednesdays...

2008-10-29T02:03:00.000-07:00

1. Once you get through with Wednesday, it is all down-hill
2. It is in the middle of the week, and I have a thing for middles
3. People seem to be in a better mood, seeing as how it is no longer the beginning of the week
4. Everything that there is to look forward to during the weekend seems so close
5. America's Next Top Model and Stylista come on, the only shows I actually turn on the TV for
6. It is spelled weird
7. It is known as "hump day" and who doesn't love a good hump?!
8. It seems like there is almost always something going on on Wednesday
9. Most importantly, because I said so!

Not too sure....

2008-10-09T00:18:00.000-07:00

I don't actually have anything specific to write about. I have a tummy ache. You think I would have learned my lesson from eating so late last night, but no, I am a repeat offender! What is it that causes people to make the same mistakes repeatedly anyway. Do we think that the same consequences won't occur this time? Or maybe we get so caught up in the here in now that the consequences don't even cross our mind, or when they do, we push them out and try to convince ourselves that it is all worth it. It never really is. Sometimes I like to go back and read my journal and blogs to see what kinds of things I struggled with in the past. It is always nice when I realize that I have learned from my experiences. But, it is a bit discouraging when I am still struggling in the same areas. I think that is one benefit about writing about them though, it's much more concrete when things are written down. Easier to dissect and analyze. I'm big on that, analyzing things. Sometimes it is too much, but most of the time it helps me get through things. I usually find that when I look back and figure out why something happened, it's easier for me to figure out how not to let it happen again. Of course that doesn't always work, usually because I ignore what I have found to be true. Oh the perils of being human!

Well, that was a whole bunch of rambling. I think I'll stop now. Have a lovely rest of the week and weekend!

Happiness is...

2008-10-01T03:31:00.000-07:00

...different for everyone. For me, happiness is being able to enjoy life and do things that have meaning and purpose to me. To some, happiness is being successful at a career and making a lot of money doing so, no matter the hours and effort put into it. Sometimes I find that I judge others for having that type of mindset. There is nothing wrong with it, it is simply different than my own perspective. Some people value accomplishment more than simple satisfaction with their chosen profession. It is hard for me to fully wrap my head around that concept because I don't really value that much at all. It does feel nice to accomplish something, but that feeling normally fades quickly for me.

The things that I look back on that make me happy are when I was doing things that I enjoyed and also making a difference in other people's lives. Kids mostly. I have a huge place in my heart for kids. They are much more important than we realize most of the time. It is easy to see children as a nuisance when they are constantly asking questions or getting into trouble, but those things are essential for them to develop into fully functioning adults. The more we invest in them, the better off the world will be. The saying "you can't teach an old dog new tricks" is relatively true. We can't really expect adults who are set in their ways to make a huge impact on the world, but if we focus on kids and give them the opportunity to learn and grow, they will be better equipped to take on the world. Just letting them know that they can become a person who has an impact on the world is one simple step to enabling them to achieve.

I think that everyone has a desire, no matter how strong or weak, to be remembered in some way, or to have a lasting impact on the world. I think that I want to be remembered as someone who enabled others to become great. I am not worried about doing anything extraordinary, I am the happiest when I am helping others, so that is success enough for me. I am not sure how I will accomplish this, but the thought of it makes me happy none the less.

Nothing like a home cooked meal!

2008-09-22T20:27:00.000-07:00

Tonight I was hungry. I had no idea what I wanted to eat and I definitely did not want to spend money. My solution: home-made mac and cheese. It was pretty good, probably would have been better if we had milk, but you can't win 'em all! I'm trying to be more adventurous with my cooking these days. The thought of someday cooking for a family kinda scares me. So far my list of accomplished dishes is quite small and it's hard practicing with just Marri and me. Besides that, I have a tendency to just stick to making my favorite things, like bruschetta and cheese stuffed chicken (which I'll be making on Wednesday!) Anyhoo, here's a pic of tonight's creation:

boo

2008-09-19T23:11:00.000-07:00

Oh Windows Vista, how thou dost disappoint me! Why oh why must you use up so much of my valuable space on my hard drive! Don't you know that I am dying to see the latest episode of America's Next Top Model?!

Truly inspired...

2008-09-18T22:25:00.001-07:00

Inspiration comes from all over. So many things happening and having an influence on my life. Listening, watching, learning, loving. All of these things and more make me who I am and who I love to be. I often get down when thinking about what I am doing with my life, but in those times of weakness, I fail to think about all of the things that I have already done and accomplished. None of them seemed as great as they truly are when they were happening. It's like looking at a big picture with a magnifying glass, you just see little meaningless parts, but once you back up and allow yourself to view the true majesty of this work of art, you are left speechless at the amazing beauty and wonderment that is sitting in front of you. Life is like that. A bunch of small seemingly meaningless pieces that, when put together, create the most incredible work of art that one could imagine. When I am tired, when I am lonely, when I am feeling down in the dumps...those are the times when I pull out my magnifying glass, but I want to put it away and take a giant step back. Nothing is important enough to lose sight of the big picture. Life, love, happiness.

Do not judge, lest thee be judged...

2008-09-11T22:27:00.000-07:00

It never feels good to be judged. I found a quote once that says something to the effect of people who love us for who we are and not what we have done are precious support when we are trying to do and be more. I have realized how true that really is. I find that I have no desire to be around people who constantly remind me of my mistakes and down falls. Especially since I am the type of person who will quickly recognize those things and immediately begin to work on them. As soon as I realize that I am doing something that is not benefiting me in any way, I try to change whatever it is, whether it be my actions, my mindset, my surroundings or what have you. When I am putting so much effort to be the best me I can, it is incredibly discouraging to hear scoffs from people who are supposed to be my friends, bringing up past actions and making assumptions about me based on them. It makes me sad. But, I am trying this new thing. I want to try to be true to myself and not let other people or circumstances affect my happiness. I greatly appreciate the opinions and view points of my friends, but if I allow those to have an huge affect on me, I will ultimately be unhappy. Interestingly enough, I already do this for the most part, it has just never been something that I have thought about. I have my moments of weakness though. I think what hurts me the most is when the people that I have come to value as friends surprise me with their judgments. I never feel like I need to impress anyone, but I do appreciate when my friends value me enough to see me for who I am rather than judge me for what I have done. I suppose this is just an emotional rant, but it does feel nice to get it off my chest.

as she sighs

2008-09-05T20:51:00.000-07:00

As I was walking through the Casa Corona parking lot this evening, which is pretty hoppin on a Friday night I must add, I noticed two guys. One of them was sitting in a lawn chair, the other on the trunk of his car. They were sitting, playing guitar and talking. They seemed so content with life. Not a care was given to their location or the fact that they had just gotten off work. They were just happy to be in the moment. *So she sighs* That is what life is about, isn't it? Those moments when nothing matters but the here and now. Contentment. Doing what you love to do and enjoying those moments when you have the opportunity. Sometimes it seems like there aren't enough of those moments, and that is when I ask if giving them up is worth whatever benefits come from working long hours and scheduling so many appointments. To some, it might be, but for me...well, I think I'll enjoy more of those simple moments for now.

Mmmm, life

2008-09-04T20:52:00.000-07:00

It is consistently amazing to me how varied and exciting life truly is. I feel as though people often miss this because they become enthralled in their own mundane seeming life and forget to look outside of themselves and see all that there is available to experience. How often have I felt as though my life was unbearably boring? Too often to recount! When I think about all of the things that I want to do and experience, I realize that they are out there for me to experience, I just have to do it. It is up to me. The world isn't as big and scary as it seems, if I am willing to let go of my fears and allow myself the freedom to live life to the fullest. I don't want to get caught up with what is going on in my life and how I am going to be doing the same things every day for what seems like forever. When I allow myself to think like this I am depriving myself of the spontaneity that occurs with the mind set of being free and having the world at my finger tips! Money isn't as important as I make it seem, or as society makes it seem for that matter. Those things that cost money are put upon a higher pedestal in our society, but those experiences that are remembered for a lifetime are often those that came from being spontaneous and being with friends, not those that cost a fortune! I want to live free from those binding words "I don't have any money". Life is what you make of it, how will I make it?

2008-07-19T14:08:00.000-07:00

Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent. ~Victor Hugo

Music is an interesting creature. There are so many genres and styles out there. I find that people often judge others based on their musical preference as well. Lately I have been listening to a lot of mindless 90's/early 00's pop. I think it's just this weird phase I am going through. But, I have realized that when I do happen to come across a beautiful, meaningful song, that I really truly get lost in the words and emotion. It is almost as if I am using the pop music to distract me from what my heart is really feeling. I want to mindlessly enjoy music and be entertained rather than experience what emotions are lying buried in my soul. It's simply amazing how music can have that big of an effect on mood and emotion. Such expression affecting every part of me. When I can't put words to what I am feeling, I find that music just gets me. It knows how to soothe my soul and say what I only wish I knew how to say. How beautiful and mysterious!

You're Beautiful

2008-07-12T13:10:00.000-07:00

I just listened to the first line of Nelly Furtado's song "Like a Bird". It's a good song, totally old school, which I am loving at the moment. It seems like in this world of constant change, anything that stays the same is a welcome distraction. Something that I can hold onto and know that it will be there, the same, forever. That's totally God. He will always be there, the same as He was yesterday, or even ten years ago. The only thing that will change is how I view Him.

How do I look at God? Most of the time I can't even answer that question. I think it is because I am so unsure and so unwilling to put my trust into something that I can't see. When relationships fail, when I feel hurt or abandoned, it makes it hard to want to give my entire heart to a thing, a being, that I can't see or touch or even hear. How can I read a book and just know that it's words were inspired by this Creator? How can I put my faith in something that was essentially written by human beings. What is Divine Inspiration?

I guess what I am trying to say, is that faith is a constant battle for me. A battle between my mind and my heart. Anyone who knows me knows that I am more often a thinker than a feeler. I want to be a feeler so badly! But my brain just won't stop analyzing and evaluating every situation that comes about. So many whys and hows floating around constantly. I can't take anything at face value. So, what am I to do? How can I overcome this obstacle?

from my phone...

2008-05-22T22:54:00.000-07:00

I purchased a Blackberry Curve today...it is quite a neat little device, shoot, I'm sitting here posting this blog from it...

Lately I have been fairly contemplative, just thinking about life in general and where mine is going. I have come to realize that I am not the type of person who can accept things without questioning them. I am an evaluator, I need to know why all the time. Sometimes I feel like an obnoxious 3 year old: "why? Why? Why?" It probably gets pretty annoying. In some ways that makes life more difficult. While some people can simply breeze through life doing the 9-5, I am looking for something more, something fulfilling. I often find myself unable to settle down into a job or even a city eithout wondering if there is something out there that I am missing. I don't think that is a bad thing necessarily, but it can be exhausting. At times I envy those people that can just be content with whatever it is that they are doing, I wonder what that must be like.
Life is an adventure though. There is never a dull moment...well, there is, but those pass, and with every passing day, new lessons are learned and experience is gained. That is how I have to look at it of I'm ever going to make it in this world.

Pinecones

2008-02-27T15:37:00.000-08:00

i kicked a pinecone today...

it's funny how random things like that can make you stop and contemplate your life. well, i suppose that i wouldn't normally get so much insight out of such a mundane event, but my life has been a bit weird lately, so i find myself thinking about everything differently. marri actually mentioned to me recently that i have been talking about things that i normally wouldn't. i have been more open and i really enjoy sharing that with her.

so, the pinecone...as i was walking down the sidewalk alongside the tennis courts at fresno state, i noticed a large pinecone in my path. the pinecone was harmless enough, just sitting there after falling out of a nearby tree, with no real control over it's effect in my life. but, i felt the need to kick the pinecone out of my way. i saw it as a hindrance and had the desire to remove it from the path that i was heading down. what happened after i kicked the pinecone you ask? it rolled down the little hill that i kicked it onto and came right back into my path.

i've noticed lately that my life has been similar to this. things have appeared in my life that are otherwise harmless, but on my path nonetheless. i could choose to simply walk around these things or even to gently move them out of the way, but instead, i feel the need to dramatically kick them out. but, like the pinecone, this only seems to make things worse. not only do they come back, but i am more aware of them, allowing them to have a larger hold of my life than necessary.

i am trying to learn how to handle things in my life in a healthy and positive way. i want to be able to recognize things that are a negative influence and work through them rather than trying to just kick them away. i have been successful with some of these things, but not so much with others. this stage in life is so weird. so very transitional, sometimes i wonder what things are a part of me, and what are simply a part of this phase. i know that i will never be perfect, and i will never be able to completely understand my life and why things happen, but i do know that i can do things to make my life the way that i want it to be. that starts with me understanding that i have control over my own actions, but not anyone else's.

well, time is short, and i must end this train of thought for now.

2008-02-24T01:05:00.000-08:00

i love listening to random music on shuffle, it's so exciting, not knowing what song might come on next...this weekend has been quite pleasant, i must say. sometimes when i come to visit i feel so disconnected from the world that i left behind. but this weekend was different for some reason. maybe it was partly because it was a somewhat important weekend here in ripon, or maybe it was just because i came here without any specific expectations. i really enjoyed just hanging out with family and friends. even though it seems like there is never quite enough time to fit everything in, i am quite pleased with the outcome, and i still have tomorrow to go! on the agenda is: church, lunch, then a movie. after that it's a slightly less than 2 hour train ride back to fresno, back to reality...lol. i look forward to that too though :) sometimes i like to take a step back from my life and just look at all the different influences i have had and i realize that it is such an interesting journey that i have been on! i love having friends in different places from different times and adventures in my life. i especially love when i can pull those people together and enjoy them simultaneously. it truly makes me happy to invite people who don't know each other to the same event and watch them get along. all of my friends mean a lot to me, and i like it when they can meet other important people in my life, it makes me feel more connected in a way.

sometimes i wish that i could have everything figured out. that i could know what i'm going to be doing and where i will be. but, obviously that would not be as much fun as figuring things out as i go. i would never have thought that my life would be the way it is now, but i really enjoy it. i wouldn't give up any of my experiences. even the negative ones have had a part in shaping who i am. i love thinking that everything i do today will have an effect on tomorrow. it can be scary at times, but i know that it will all work out. life is an adventure, and to truly experience it, i feel as though i need to be open to new ideas and experiences. even when i feel as though i have no idea what the future may hold, i can be sure that it will be exactly what is supposed to happen. i love life!

2007-12-11T11:10:00.001-08:00

i find it to be quite irritating when the internet does not cooperate fully. after writing a somewhat thoughtful and interesting post, i found that the web connection was lost and my post was erased. i thought about retyping it, but it felt forced. what a bummer. i feel quite exhausted, i suppose that is what happens when i put off studying until late at night after i have done everything possible in order to procrastinate. but, i can rest assured knowing that my semester is over! i probably won't be going back to school for quite a while. this south american adventure is going to consume quite a bit of time. but, the beauty of being young is that i'm not in any hurry to do or be anything. i'm very content with exploring my options and going on adventures while i still have the time. once i am settled into a career it will be much more difficult to pick up and go somewhere on a whim. oh the joys of young-adulthood...

2007-12-04T17:07:00.000-08:00

wouldn't it be nice if you could just make all your dreams come true with the snap of a finger? i guess that would be pretty boring though. everybody would have everything they ever wanted and creativity would cease to exist. i guess my problem isn't really making my dream come true, it's figuring out what my dream really is. every time i think of "the rest of my life" i find it difficult to imagine what i'll be doing. i think it's partly because i don't want to be doing anything ordinary or boring. i want my life to be exciting and full of purpose. i really don't know if i'm the kind of person that can just settle down in a career and accept that that will be the rest of my life. i want to do more than that, experience more. that's probably why i'm finding it difficult to crack down and finish school. it seems like i'm taking semesters off left and right. but, i've come to the conclusion that i don't really care how long it takes me to finish. especially since i'm not quite sure what i want to do. as long as i'm living life to the fullest, what difference does it make how long it took me to get my bachelor's degree? i have the rest of my life to settle down, so for right now i want to take a few chances and do a few crazy things that i won't be able to do if i am caught up in my career and life.

i'm planning on taking a certification course in tesl (teaching english as a second language). i've been looking into it for a while now, but i haven't taken that next step and registered. but, i figure it's now or never. so, this next semester i'm only taking a couple of online courses so i can have time to work full time and save up to move to central or south america. i don't know when exactly or for how long. but, the goal right now is to leave sometime in 2008 and teach for a 6 month contract. of course everything is dependent on the job offers i receive after i finish the course, so it could be sooner or later and for longer. we'll see. i'm really excited to do this, i want to teach and i love travelling and learning about new cultures. i'm looking into panama and brazil right now, but that could change. the sky is the limit.

the rest of my life might not be mapped out for me, and even though that stresses me out sometimes, it really makes life more exciting. i never know what's around the corner. if you were to ask me what my life would be like after i graduated high school, i never would have imagined that i would have lived in spain, with my sister or with two room mates in fresno, but all of those things have been awesome adventures. i am so looking forward to adding central/south america to that list! the culture seems so exciting and interesting and the land is beautiful!

although i don't know what my big life dream is, i do know that my little dream is to teach in a foreign country, and it looks like that will be coming true. what an awesome thought...

discrimination?

2007-11-20T18:30:00.000-08:00

today in my child development class there was a situation that was a little uncomfortable. before i actually go into detail about the situation, i would like to give a bit of background on the class. this is a diversity class, we discuss diversity within the u.s. and how it will affect the education community, whether it be from the teacher's standpoint or the child's. the premise of this class calls for a certain amount of open-mindedness and adaptability. the professor of this class is a middle-aged white woman, which was to the dismay of some of the students who don't feel as though a white woman could know a lick about diversity. granted, i am a white woman, and that does lead to a certain amount of bias, i feel as though i am pretty open-minded and i am not taking sides in this situation. i would simply like to know how others feel or would respond in this situation.

so, kristy (professor) was telling the class about a conversation that she had with a former co-worker who happened to be black. she told us that her friend, carol (not sure of her real name...), mentioned that she would be buying a bigger house because her nephews would be moving in. kristy was slightly confused by this and wondered why someone would buy a bigger house in order to accomodate relatives outside of her immediate family, so she asked if there was anything wrong. carol replied that there was nothing wrong, nobody was in trouble or anything of the sort. carol then explained to kristy that her nephews lived in a big city and played sports, but they didn't get very much playing time because of the competitiveness. after discussing it with the parents of her nephews, carol agreed to take in her relatives so they could play at the local high school where carol lived and get more playing time so they would be noticed. kristy found this to be a strange situation and described to our class that this was because of her white background. carol had explained to kristy that black family's are more willing to allow their children to live with family if it means a better opportunity. historically this played a significant role during the slave trade when a child's parents were sold, they were sent to the nearest living relative to be taken care of. kristy then began to explain that being white, she didn't understand this concept very well, and she would never give her children up, even if it meant a better opportunity, but black families are more willing to do so.

amidst this description of events, one of the students in the class, who happens to be black, started packing her things. she was very offended by what kristy had said and told her that it wasn't true and it was just one person's point of view. kristy asked the student to stay until she was finished with her connection to the class material, but the student was too offended to stay and listen.

i can definitely see how the student was offended by what was said, to her it probably seemed as though kristy was saying that black families don't care about their children as much and are willing to let them go. although, this wasn't what kristy meant, i will admit that at times, it did seem as though that was the message she was portraying. but, what i'm not so sure about is the student's reaction....i think things could have been handled a bit differently...any thoughts?

2007-10-02T17:17:00.000-07:00

living in a new place is a little weird. not just because everything is different, but your whole life changes in an instant. new people, new places, new goals, new expectations. it's hard to leave your old life behind because that is your norm, but it's nearly impossible to lead a fulfilling life in a new place if all you can think about is what's happening back "home". lately i've felt like i just need to give up any hopes of keeping up with my life in ripon/modesto. i'm not giving it up or forgetting my friends, but i need to let go a little so i can be happy here. it's a process, but i think i will be successful. i'm trying to find things here that make me happy and that will get me closer to my goal of graduating college and starting a carreer as a teacher. i've decided that i'm going to start cracking down on the studying, and even though today is technically my first day, i can see the difference already. i'm going to start living a healthier life also. i think if i eat more regularly, drink more water and am just more active in general, i will feel more alert, less tired and happier altogether. i want to make time to spend with friends also, i want to make more friends for that matter. i am so freaking shy, it's disgusting! i have been told that i look intimidating in groups of people and it's definitely because i'm nervous. i've always been shy, so i'm trying to work on being a bit more out-going, i just want to be myself really. and that is a goof ball who laughs a lot and says ridiculous things at random times, but i like that about myself. i'm a little different than the average bloke...unique one might say...i am enjoying life, not as much as i could i'm sure, but i'm trying hard to make some changes. i miss my family and my friends a lot, and i can't wait to go home for a visit, but until then, come and visit me...lol, really though, i love visitors! and if you are a fellow fresnoian (ok, i don't know what you call yourselves, we say riponites in ripon...) give me a call so we can chill sometime. i don't like to initiate...maybe i should change that too...or not, we'll see. so for now, peace out, late!

2007-07-11T00:06:00.000-07:00

once upon a time, a girl named lisa decided to move to fresno. this decision was made on somewhat of a whim, and was hurried into a bit. as time went on, lisa started to second guess herself and think that she was a little crazy. the day of change approached rapidly and lisa realized how much she was going to miss her friends and family in the place that she had called home for 13 years. as these thoughts flooded into her mind, she also began to think about the amazing opportunities that lay ahead of her. not only would she be able to start fresh in a new environment, but she would also get to experience new things and move forward with her life. as all of these emotions swirled together, lisa started to understand that life is full of ups and downs and in-betweens. in order for one door to open, you must close another. although, lisa fully intends on leaving that door cracked open, she knows that leaving some things behind is necessary for her journey to truly begin.

so, that basically describes the emotions i have been feeling lately. bitter sweet for sure. every time i have gone on a trip to a place far away, i have had doubts and wondered if it was worth leaving the familiarity to experience something new. and i would have to say it definitely is! i can't imagine my life if i had decided to not go on OB or to stay at home instead of going to spain. moving on in life is pretty scary, there are so many unknowns and uncertainties. but, i am extremely excited to start this new phase, to learn what God has in store for me. sometimes i don't even realize that i will be in a new environment with different people and places surrounding me, and then it hits me all of the sudden. that happens quite frequently actually, sometimes i feel like i am dreaming. but, this is certainly reality, and it is coming up so fast.

with all of that aside, i would like to say how blessed i feel to have had the experiences that i have had in the past few months. i am so happy to have been able to experience everything that i have since i have gotten home from spain. it was an interesting transition moving out of my parents house and living with my sister. but, it was pretty smooth. and despite the minor disagreements, it was a great 7 months! i wouldn't trade it for anything. i got to know some pretty cool people and had quite a few...interesting experiences. even though i lead a completely different kind of life than most of the people that hang around, i felt completely comfortable and accepted (well, maybe it took me awhile to get there, but it happened!) i will definitely miss all of the craziness and unexpected drop ins, and defitely the dancing in the living room!

to all of the people that i have gotten close to in good old manteca, i will be seeing most of you in fresno...haha! but, for those who will be sticking around, or moving on, i have had an amazing time getting to know all of you and sharing bocci bits! i really feel as though i have made some pretty amazing friendships and have experience some awesome things recently. i wouldn't trade this time for anything. thank you for putting up with me living all the way in modesto and not having a car most of the time!

well, i think that about does it! i can't wait to see what is in store for me next!

to my future husband

2007-06-24T22:04:00.000-07:00

*I did not write this, I found it on somebody else's facebook. I really like the message here though, and believe that I deserve somebody like this as well :)

“You were made to be loved… and sincerely I have loved you, the thought of you, my life long.” Elizabeth Barrett Brown

If you are reading this letter, it is because you may become my husband one day. Lately, my mind and my heart have been filled with thoughts of you and the family that we will one day share.I wonder where you are and what you are doing. Are you dating someone? Relationships have become so pressure filled, haven’t they? I mean, guys and girls alike treat dating as if they were married, expecting an instant commitment and sometimes sleeping together. I’ve heard that it’s easier to share your body than it is your soul. How sad that we are taught even in grade school how to share our bodies with the opposite sex, but not our hearts or our souls. Seems totally backwards, doesn’t it?

The temptations we face are real and I know how hard it can be to stay chaste. I’ve been tempted too, but then I think of you and how I want our wedding night to be perfect. Maybe that’s why I wanted to write to you, to tell you that I am real. At some point in our future, our paths will cross, and we will eventually spend our lives together in marriage. It would seem a shame to go into our marriage with the baggage that past sexual relationships bring.

That quote I put at the top of the page – I mean it. Think about it. You were made to be loved – unconditionally loved, and that’s how I promise to love you. Where you have been before today, well… that’s all in the past, and that’s where it should stay. Maybe you had no idea that I was here. But now you know, and how you live your life from today forward matters to me a great deal. I know that the media, Planned Parenthood, MTV, your friends, and maybe others are telling you that sex before marriage is okay as long as it’s “safe.” Don’t buy it. The truth is that the only safe sex is inside of marriage. There are STDs, abortions, emotional scars, and teens becoming parents before they are ready. Sex before marriage leaves scars that are hard to heal, sometimes impossible.

To a lot of people it may seem totally crazy that I’m asking you to think of our future. They’d tell you to live for the moment. I’m all for living in the present, but thinking about the future can help you avoid decisions that may alter your future – our future. I want you to experience life, travel, figure out who you are, go to the moon if you want. Take advantage of this time in your life to learn everything that you can. That will only make our marriage stronger. Just don’t jeopardize us.

Becoming a man can be difficult. Some guys try to earn their manhood by compromising their values. Sex before marriage won’t make you a man. It will only serve to keep you a little boy who can’t control himself. That’s not the kind of guy that I want or deserve. I need a man who won’t compromise his family but will put me first – even before he meets me; a man whose strength lies in his virtue, his character, and his ability to be an example at work, at play, and most importantly in our home. A real man knows how to love completely – with his mind, heart, body, and soul. This may sound like a lot to ask of you, but it will all be worth it. I will love you completely – I can promise you that!

You need to know that I’m waiting for you. If there is one thing that I have learned through my dating experiences, it’s that you are worth waiting for. My heart, mind, soul, and body were made for you. We will complete each other in the most profoundly beautiful way imaginable.

From today forward, are you going to wait for me? Like I said, where you have been is in the past, but where you are going will affect our marriage. I need to know that you have learned self control. I need to know that you think I am worth waiting for. I need to know that you are a man who respects and cherishes women – all women. The girl you are dating right now, or are going to date soon, may be someone else’s future wife, and I need to know that you understand and respect that.

Real love is not a temporary feeling or emotion. Emotions and feeling change, sometimes daily. But true, unconditional love is constant. I met a coupled the other day who have been married for 50 years, have seven children, 23 grandchildren, and seven great grandchildren. They looked like high school sweethearts. I asked them how they did it, how they made it work when so many marriages are falling apart. You know what he said? He said, “She knows I’m not perfect and she still loves me. She’s my best friend.” How cool is that? That’s what I want. I want us to be best friends. I want you to feel totally free to be you when you’re with me.Please read this often. Think of me often. I’m thinking of you. I can’t wait to meet you. I can’t wait to spend my life loving you. Thanks for waiting for me. I promise it will be worth the wait!

With Love,Your Future Wife

happy 1st day of summer!!!!

2007-06-21T16:22:00.000-07:00

oh my...it's the first day of summer! how exciting. this is going to be an interesting one. so many things going on...so many changes! i just found out today that i will be moving to fresno a little earlier than i expected. anywhere between july 13th-july 21st. that is crazy! less than a month. i don't know if i'm ready for this. well, i know i'm ready, but it seems like it's all going so fast. i will be moving into marri's house in about a week, then 2-3 weeks later i will be moving to fresno. i am a little nervous just because money will be tight. i know that it will be ok, but it's scary to think that i will have just enough and i will have to start working almost immediately for everything to work out. i talked to my boss today though and i am pretty for sure getting a transfer and she is even putting in a good word for me to be promoted! as scary as it is, i know i can do it. i will be in almost the exact same spot financially that i am in right now and i am doing just fine! it will definitely be a change from how things are now in every other aspect though. i will be away from my family and a lot of my friends. i will be living with 2 other girls in our own place, where i don't need to ask permission to use the shower...lol. it won't be a crash pad for drunk people who can't drive themselves home. i will have a say in what goes on and what food we eat. it will feel more like home i think. right now i kinda feel like a visitor in someone else's home. i'm definitely looking forward to moving on with my education. only one more semester of jc and then i am on to university! the rest of my life is starting. lol...wow, it's really happening. crazy! well, i'm excited, even though marri always asks me if i am (the answer is yes!) so, going away party i think there will be one on july 22nd, so save that date. and there might be a goodbye to the casa bbq on june 28th. if i want you there, i will definitely let you know the details. and if you don't get the details and you are hurt, let me know! lol!

love and marriage...

2007-06-16T23:17:00.000-07:00

i've noticed lately that a few of my friends are either married or ready for that next step. i don't know why this bothers me so much. maybe it's because i am nowhere near this monumental step in my life...but, i know i'm not ready for that anyways, so maybe it's something else. maybe it's that i don't understand it. i've never been in a long term relationship at all. never felt what one might call love. never felt as though i could spend the rest of my life with a particular person. i just don't know what it's like. i guess i feel left out. i won't get it until i experience it. and that probably won't be for a while...not that i want to wait a long time. it just seems as though with the way my life is going, i won't be "ready" to get married for a long time. not only am i in a weird transitional period right now, i just haven't met that guy that makes me long to have a long term relationship. some might think that i am jealous, and in a sense i am. but, not because i want a boyfriend or a fiancee, but because i can't share in that joy, i am on the outside when it comes to discussions about marriage or love. i don't have that view from the other side. i am very happy for all of my friends who have found that special someone, but i kinda miss those single friends who were in the same boat as me...oh well, i guess this a part of growing up. not one of the most fun parts, but i'm thinking that i will look back on this time in my life and realize that it was necessary for me to be the person that i will be. i love that everything happens for a reason, it gives me hope!

am i naked?

2007-06-12T00:11:00.000-07:00

my choir teacher once told me that singing in front of people can make you feel naked, like you're totally exposing yourself to someone. you become vulnerable in a sense. what is it about singing that causes so much anxiety? i suppose it's not that way for everyone. there are people out there who are blessed with amazing voices who can belt out a tune like they were humming a lullaby. but then there are those of us who may be able to stay on key, but who don't really have any talent vocally. there are so many things in life by which we are judged, intelligence, athleticism, appearance, but it seems as though none is more scrutinized than singing ability. with shows like american idol, it has become a world-wide craze to showcase such talent and to abuse those who put themselves out there only to find out that they aren't as talented as they supposed. i won't lie, i am part of that crowd that loves to watch hopeless wannabe's screech their way through the popular song of the day. so, where does this stem from. why is it that natural ability, or disability, is scrutinized so heavily? i really don't have an answer...feel free to leave your ponderings. maybe i will revisit this topic later.

2007-06-10T18:04:00.000-07:00

i realized today that part of the reason that i don't want to move is because i am afraid that i will miss out on something. it's kinda funny that i think this, because i would definitely miss out on more if i didn't move. i think i get this way almost every time i leave for a longer period of time. i get to this point where i fear that what i'm going to experience won't compare to what i will miss. i guess it is mostly because i am going into the unknown. i don't have any definite plans other than working and going to school, but i keep hearing about the things that will be going on here while i am gone. i'm pretty nutty for thinking this way, but i think it's pretty naturaly when someone is leaving their norm to create, in essence, a new life. there are going to be plenty of things to look forward to, just experiencing the joy of living in my own place (granted i will have 2 house mates, but that is nothing like living in someone else's house) is enough to get excited about.

i think that another reason i am scared is because i am taking that next step, i will be as close to independent as it gets without living by myself. i'm already pretty stinking independent, but i have that safety net of living with family, and having a somewhat negotiable rent. i can get by without buying certain things without worrying, simply because i can borrow them from my sister. well, i suppose there will be that element in fresno, because i will be living with friends, but it's just a little less comfortable.

i'm honestly hoping that this will be the last time i move for a long time, but i don't really know how things will pan out at the end of our lease. we'll all have more school to get through, but we really can't say if we'll live in the same apartment. it would be really nice though. i've moved a lot in my life, shoot, i've moved a lot in the past year! i am not fond of packing and unpacking. in fact, i have to help clean out the shed in my parent's back yard so i can store some of my stuff in it. there are boxes in there that have been packed since i was quite young. it will be interesting to see what kind of treasures we'll uncover. hopefully there will be some stuff that will do well at a garage sale, because i could definitely use some extra dinero for my moving fund!

so, all insecurities aside. moving to fresno is probably going to be one of the smartest things i can do right now. not only will i be getting out of my rut, i will be taking another baby step towards that inevitable "rest of my life" in which i will have to heavily rely on God and myself to get me through all the stuff that will be thrown at me. il'm pretty excited about it, now to hash out all the details! oh boy, life is coming at me fast, and i am geting excited!

as of late

2007-06-09T16:02:00.000-07:00

i have been worrying a lot. about life in general and about things that are coming up. maybe worrying isn't even the best term. i have just been wondering where my life is going and if that is where i want it to go. i keep thinking that i am still really young and i have plenty of time to figure things out. and that is pretty much true. i don't have to have my whole life figured out right now, but i just feel like i should have a better idea than what i have. i'm kinda flying by the seat of my pants, taking those opportunities which come my way. that's not a bad thing, of course, but it scares me a little. when will i start working towards a goal? sometimes i wish i would stop being so insecure, and just accept my life for what it is.

part of me definitely wants to just get the heck out of here and sorta start over. obviously i wouldn't really start over, but i would have the opportunity to make some changes in my life that are nearly impossible when faced with the constant reality of life as it is. by changing environments, i could easily discover things about myself that have been masked by the routine and otherwise ordinary aspects of my life. it's so easy to hide behind that routine and allow myself to just keep moving without really evaluating where i am going. but, there is another part of me that wants to try to break through this rut and try to stick it out here, where i can be around my family and friends and my home.

i think i have figured out which direction i want my education to go in. and funny enough, it's in the direction of education. i have always been one to change my mind about pretty much everything. i am extremely indecisive. but, the one thing that i always come back to is education. i don't know what it is that is so appealing. i mean really, those in the education field don't really make very much money and are constantly working overtime just to make a difference. but, i think that might be what it is: i want to make a difference. i don't care if i make a lot of money and live in a fancy house with my fancy car parked in the driveway. i've never experienced that anyways, it's not like i would feel like i was losing out on anything. i really just want to make an impact on student's lives. i watch movies like freedom writers and dangerous minds and realize that educators have such a huge impact on the world, they have the opportunity to shape people's minds. i don't know exactly what i will end up doing, but it feels kinda nice to at least have somewhat of an idea.

well, that's all for now. thanks for reading about me and my boring life.