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sometimes i wonder why i move so much. but then i realize it's because i want to. i never do it for any specific purpose, although there are usually a bunch of reasons i can list off, but usually i want to move and an opportunity arrives. moving to san francisco was no different. i had thought of moving here for some time, the city life just seemed so appealing. then, what do you know, i had been living with my sister in modesto, and wanted to get out when ryan and i randomly started dating. i say randomly because the way it started was just that. he lived in san francisco, i had wanted to move there already, and i certainly didn't want to be living with my sister in modesto anymore. so i moved. it was hard. it is hard. at first it was hard because i was looking for a permanent place to live while essentially couch surfing. that lasted for 2 1/2 months. there were so many days that i thought i was absolutely crazy. i shed some tears, i got angry and frustrated with people who didn't deserve it. it was also hard because i was in a new city and the people i knew i could count on one hand. not only that, but they were all friends with eachother. that doesn't seem like such a bad thing, but for some reason, it just made everything seem out of whack for me. i guess it didn't help that they were all my boyfriend's friends. i started to feel like i was relying on him too much, i never had anyone else to turn to. i knew it was wearing on him, and it was definitely wearing on me. so many people (mostly my parents) tried to convince me to just move "home". and although parts of that seem appealing, i knew i would feel like a failure. as much as i love the people in the central valley (not all of them, of course), there isn't anything there for me, i don't want to feel like i'm settling. i want to decide how my life is going to go, i don't want to just fall into any sort of routine. so i pushed through. i finally found a place to live, i got a promotion at work, i got rid of my second job, i got a different second job, life started to feel more "normal". but too many times i realize that i'm still not really happy here. it makes me sad to think about it, and even more sad to really admit it. i love ryan. i haven't said that about any other boyfriend, and i truly mean it. but that can't be the only thing that i have. i can't survive on that. even though city life is something i crave, i just don't think this is the city for me. i don't vibe well here. i can get by, but i don't feel like i'm home. i also don't like the weather. i know some people would call me crazy because it's so "temperate" here, but you're reading about the girl who needs a sweater if the temperature drops below 75 degrees. i just don't know where this leaves me. i'm going to stay here for a while. i have some obligations, the time constricting one being the school that i work at. i'm committed until the end of the school year, and i wouldn't dream of putting these kids through anymore changes than they've already had this year. but what then? should i continue to pay an outrageous price to live in a city that i'm not really in love with? should i suck it up and realize that nobody is ever completely happy? or do i move on? *sigh* i suppose only time will tell.